Nigga dat Bee done whoop yo ass...

Well dis aint first time story been told bout Tio Pelon, he was workin in da ghetto, jus like where we live, sep fo aint no black folks, got the call on 911, Pelon is a fireman, bunch of ole black men playin dominoes in a vacant lot, ole boy takes a swig from his ole wine coola, bee stings his ass on da tongue, swells up and god dang medical emergency, well some ole sanford and son lookin mofo rolls up on a bicyle swoops up to da back of dat ambulance where Tio Pelon is workin for taxpayers dollars and says, "Nigga dat bee done whoop yo ass" true story.

Valedictorian Francela Graduates with Top Honors

Well I remember when I took Francela to Kindergarden posted up on a mountain bike, peddling through the sand down the beach of Esterillos Centro, drop her off, pick her up, good times. Well yesterday she graduated from 6th grade, so I post up at the 3 hour graduation, walk down the aisle just like a wedding, they announce the Valedictorian, Francela Jimenez Schroeder, best gpa in the graduating class, well all of a sudden I got some dust in my eyes and the tears are rollin down my face. Francela may be the next President of Costa Rica. "Te Quiero Papi", that's what she tells me. I am very proud.

PS: my camera is still out of order, I will post photos asap.

Manscaping...

Well some time dat grass grows up so high you can't see dat green forest fo da god dam trees...well any ways today I decide to bring in dat D5 Dozer (Larry knows what I talkin bout) an push down all da trees, kinda like a "start over" project, well Pat is runnin dat D5 very gentle an kind...sep fo one time she clip my nipple feel like god almighty, well I okay now. Final resust, a little grass on da playin field... play ball... bring on da high season an bring you wallet...

Yoga and Garbage Trucks...

Weeel we got dat whole crew out here doin dat ole Yoga cuz it makes you feel skinny when you paddles on out to da big waves, any ways we got Cailin leadin da way nice an calm an soothing, ole Legend all twisted up in a knot, Adam says gotta cramp in his buthole, Les look like Mr. Potato Head, (not really bra you lookin good), I look like Mr. Potato Head on Steroids, Pat lookin all sexy, Yo Shawnee all posted up an twisted up, we gotta great thang goin here, then dem ole dogs runnin round up in here, we postin up in da shade at El Vago World Headquarters in da shade, dem dogs commence to wrastlin round, barkin, runnin into da yoga team, next ting I knows, Pat's dog Rio is flopped out on da mat next to me doin da inch worm on her back, god dam dogs doin Yoga! Jus when you think no mas, well today is Thursday you know what dat mean, dat bad ass garbage truck pulls up and starts yankin out garbage bags from dem "Come-Huevos" who leave day trash on da beach an by god we gotta little stench passin tru da Yoga sesh, any ways we all da way up on Zen mode, don't even notice bra...

Que Computadora mas Eee-way-puta-Dora!

Well ya know when da god dang teknology gotcha by da short hairs when first of all yo god dang camera goes into mushroom mode and all da fotos look like psycodelic, next up yo old laptop give up da ghost cuz ole Legend lookin fo some lyrics on some porn site, next day dat keyboard gets to park in handicap spot, so I retrieve my ole laptop from Jimena and by god, it refuse to connect to dat world wide web, which Al Gore invented btw, so my boy Chino goes to work on all dem ole slaptops an by god today he says, halleluha, dat ole Toshiba done connected up to da wwdub, well I say, time to start bloggin again, cuz writin a blog jus like feedin birds, you quits writin, dem birds go away... any ways bra, we back live here from da EO 2778, dodgin bullets an catchin waves, cuz dem wave come back today...

Snow in H-Town...

Dis my boy, he live in Houston, look like fuckin polar bear... today was bout 95 not a fuckin cloud in da sky...Go Coogs!

Bruce Lee makes Capitan of Soda Mary Surf Team...

Well, I dont care what tha mutha fuckas say, he got 2 first names, he is my hero...I jus finish watchin a movie bout Bruce Lee and he had to whoop a gorillas ass at the end of dat movie, he is my hero...pura vida bra...

Poo Poo Truck...muevase bra!

Well I sittin down disfrutando on ice cold pop up down in El Vago when da god damn poo poo truck pulls up parks right on dat grassy knoll, look around smell like some body done ripped ass, hey mudda fucka, move dat truck bra, we tryin drank some beers up in here...so he moves his ass on down dat road park up in front Jimmy house...

Buy Stock in Derby Cigarettes...

Well dat ole Larry done rolled up into town and smoked up ever last Marlboro Light in da village, you caint find one fo miles bra, so he switches his ass over to Derby Cigarettes and my financial advisor say it's about time to make a run on dat ole Derby stock market cuz dat shit bout to go true da roof, dats yo inside trader tip of the day...

I will keep you posted when he smokes up all dem Derbys and which brand he switches to...all da vagrants in town gonna whoop his ass if he keep dis shit up...Les, you betta load up before you come back to town, Larrys a heavy hitter an he aint foolin round ya hear?

5 Day Rice Pudding

Well Miss Cailin Callahan don't realize it just yet but she just got banned from the Soda Mary kitchen fo a little while cuz she done left a bowl dat good ole rice puddin up in there fo bout 5 days now, and today bein garbamage day an all, ole Lagarto has to trow dat stuff out...Don't worry sweetie, we let you back in da kitchen one of these days...

Rollin...

Well I not sure what you folks look forward to, some folks like big tits, some like big weiners, well we like it when da beer truck rolls into town...Pura Vida!

Thieves

Well the god damn thieves done ripped off any ever thing in town, its okay to steal from gringos cuz they rich, any way they usually make a hand full of change, drink it all up and pass out on the corner, at least the dog sees opportunity here, just gittin him ready for prison...

Video credit goes to Tio Pelon shot on location from Jimmy's porch?

Help Wanted: Flaming Porky Pine Ass Shooter...

Well, I tell you, me an Larry sittin in a bar, yes. I know hard to believe, well any ways, dis ole boy start tellin a story bout workin in property managembent, that was a typo but I gonna leave it like dat, well I says to ole boy, hey bra how de hell you works in property management, he says well man I tell you, I and I man standin in the line for unemployment one day, they one ole boy in front of me and they says we got 2 mo jobs left, dat first job is shootin out flaming porcupines out your ass, the second job is working in property management, dat first ole boy says, hell gimme dat porky pine gig, so this ole boy from Florida got stuck workin in Property Management...

Any ways, Mark now owns a bar in Costa Rica, still wishin he was shootin fire ball porky pines out his ass...you should visit his bar on da beach, Barrilitos, but watch out for da fucking karaoke gringos tryin to sing like theys the next Night Ranger...

Sista Christian what you look fo...

Esterillos Skate Town...

Well, I'm not gonna write any thing obscene today, but this is Dennis' kid, this is the future of Esterillos, when I am dead and the skaters take over, Pura Vida!

Eee-way-puta, mas Lluvia!! (Mo Rain, Mo Rain)...

Well dem ole Nikas got all the luck, first of all we take half their country and re-name it Costa Rica, then they says, thats alright, we still got Lake Nicaragua, then they find out that they gots fresh watta sharks, som bitch, now to add to their bad luck, Hurricane Ida dumpin shit loads of rain, on them AND on us, damn nicas, it's their fault we aint surfin right now...

Tico Drivin License

Well yestaday we drivin a rental car up to Chepe (San Jose) and da po-lease wave us down says we haulin ass, ask Adam fo his license cuz we looks like a bunch of turistas, so Adam reach fo his pasaporte an I say, wo bra, not da pasaporte, da Tico License, so he reach for $20 bill, no bra, not dat bra, da Tico License, then light bulb goes off above Adam's head and he hands po po his real Costa Rican Drivers License, Po Po take one look and say, "You boys have a nice day, an slows down just a leetle beet", gracias amigo...

Now fo you turismos, don't yall be comin down here payin off the police and drivin up the bribes from what used to cost us $5 now gringos pullin out $40, come on now...

High Tide moves, Low Tide gotta Move too...

Well ever year dat high tide line moves on up just a little bit, some pin-heads call it "Global Warming" but no matter what you calls it, dat high tide gettin too close to the Low Tide Lounge, entonces, they gots to move back a bit, with the help of some large machinery, Larry probly gettin a hard on lookin at dat foto...welcome back Poach!

First Day Back in da warm Pacific

Well I rolled back to town on Monday, gettin ready to surf da next day and all dem knuckleheads says da waves done gone flat, well I gots to paddle out any ways cuz 20 days out of the Pacific Ocean makes one week, well they were right, it was flat, but we got a couple of pics from Kate just for grins, pura vida!

Manito Manito, Farewell Brother...

Well if you,ve ever meandered down the beach here in Oeste, you have surely met Manito or seen his smile, always happy to see you, super human, well he has moved on up to the sky, probably lookin down at the same beach thinkin to himself, "ee-way-putas", we gonna miss you brother...

Vago, get to work!

Well I still up here on the mainland and look like the surf perty good up there in the EO2778 cuz Vago done send me a nice foto, 3 weeks may be just a bit too long to stay out of the surf, will see yall in about a one week or so, go head and order me up some waves like this one, way to go Vago!

Toucans and Breast Feeding on da Bus...

Well God Bless Central America, pops give me a ride down to da highway dis mornin, gotta catch me a bus headed back to da mainland fo couple weeks, I start lookin round at how perty this country really is when a god damn toucan posts up starts squakin and hollerin and interruptin da peace, noisy ass birds, enjoyin dat bus ride checkin out all dat greenery, yall get ready cuz its fiiggin start rainin in CR, when god almighty this perty young thang whips out some breakfast for her baby, I tell you dat if breast feedin was an olympic sport, Costa Rica be up in dat medal round by god...Settin here in dat airport bloggin my ass off, rippin of photos, got too much time on my hands, yall get ready up on da mainland, trow dem budweisers on some ice now bra...

Bad news from da beach...

Well today we not gonna post any photos but we lost a couple of brave soldiers today, they went for a walk round 7am, a father 83 years old and son bout 40 or so, went for a swim, got into trouble, son washes up in front of lowtide around 9am, father washes up in Centro about sunset, please say a prayer for their families in NC...they were lookin forward to playin frisbee on da beach with our crew yesterday, god bless em, they both went to heaven at the same time...

Monday Mornin Road Trip...Beeyotch!!!

Well dem surfin waves is all scrambled up in this fine Monday mornin we wall all sittin round scratchin nuts, feelin likes we should be productive, you know, git some work done like dem people over on da mainland, fuck that, lets go north and finds us some waves beeyotches...Lagarto, Vago, Cornelius, Rick & Ginny, Eric, and Stan da Man last seen headed north tellin lies about some secret spot chock full of crocodiles...film at 11...

Football Americano...

Well dat's right Mr. Legend Mike who was born in Still Watta, OK, read em an weep bro, yo Cowboys done gots day ass whooped by the highly ranked 21 in da nation Houston Cougars, das right, Next Up, Texas Tech Red Raiders, jus raise yo hand if you is scared...

Wanna buy some wax bra?

Well me, I and I now am distributor of the best surf wax in dis world yea man, well da only one I hook up with, I got surf wax for you my friend fo 1000 colones, best deal in Esterillos Oeste brudda, buy 2 if ya feelin lucky...

Beach Sobriety Tests...

Well sometimes we workin on da beach and Boy Blue rolls up wants to do a sobriety test while we teachin white folks how to surf, well knock yo lights out bro, dat part of our routine any ways bra...

Maria

Well...

Hard Work...

Well by god you knows we aint lergic to hard work down here, but dis past weekend got handed a pretty tough chore, teach some baby girls how to surf, so I calls up my specialist in dis category, Mr. Lestor Molestor an he ask me how much he has to pay me to work, and I says no bro, I pays you, his eyes lights up like a 500 colones coin...any ways we takes dem out and they learns how to surf, we take them to da bar, gets all lit up, next moanin day only surfin fo bout 30 minutes say dat gots to go home and sleeps, okay babies, fine wid me...I suggest a group shower and we have no takers...

Full Moon Party...

Well, we just got sent some new waves today, been prayin bout week and one half, an ole legend Mike got a big ole jug of mushroom ice tea all brewed up, dat mutha fo outta control, Tio Pelon say "slow da fu-k down" he don't pays no tention, jus keep brewin it up, well we perty much get all the way outta control, now we go surf tomorrow...

Bloggin on Shroomz...

Well dat fuckin Legend Mike is up here in da house, dat mutha fucka is crazy, da god damn surf been flat like a mofo fo bout 4 days in a row now, we been surfin dat world renowned lecheria got dat famous right hander, and these 2 perty girls walkin by now...so we try dat Bejuco fo bout 3 days in a row bout to go crazy with waist high surf, so we try to fix some surfin boards, an Shannon bout drive me out dat hole til day gets some shrooms out dat field in Este, whoop up bout 6 liters of ice tea, by god, now we bloggin, cook up some lobsters and steak, all good til legend mike decide he gone lite up a fire on dat beach, well I starts walkin down there git bout half ways turn around head my ass for dat shitter...

Welcome to da shit house...

Well Bruce an YaYa up here visit fo a while an next ting you know da god dang septic tang full o shit, so today we say gotta go to Punta me Anus an get some mo resin so we repairs some surfing boards, we checks out dat pint break, Boca brack mountain an dat shit all blown out look like Rev. Al Sharpey's taclke box, so we head on in down town, (I tink dis blog gone be a while), well we makes it back to da Ghetto to meet dat truck gonna pump da shit outta tha tank, pura vida so far...get da pump all sets up, me is workin with dem, crank up dat shit pump an god al might, god damn sparks flyin up in my face, I shut dat door on da board room, ole boy done crank dat motor with a pull strang, put it down, when we rocks dat motor backwards so dat pump prime up, dat god dang string catch up in dat fly wheel, whip dat strang round his fanger, cut that mutha fucker right off at the knuckle...dat mofo look at me with half a fanger, 2 drops of blood come out, I laugh just a little bit an say hey bro, you fanger on da floor, he say oh shit man, grab up his hand, no mo blood. Every tang cool, I call 911 an it busy, call Red Cross Jaco and they say you gotta calls Parita, I points down to da fanger layin on da floor an it jus pointin back at me, call 911 still busy, call Red Cross Paritta an day say dat ambulance on other side of da bridge, I say, hey bras lets finish this job an I drive Guillermo to hospital, so we works fo little mo while and then I says shit man gotta drive G to emergency, so we jump in Scooby Doo Mystery Machine an hauls ass fo Parrita, got the god damn fanger in a zip lock bag with ice on the mofo, tha clinic does our paper work, say day aint got no ambulancias, so we haul ass an wait on da bridge fo 15 minutes, tell story bout John Wayne an Texax, bridge open up an we in Quepos in 30 min, drop his ass at hospital, pura vida, Guillermo you a cool mofo, he say no care for dat frozen finger, we gots it in da fridge...mo tomorrow...

Texas Chilly Gone Tribal...

Well Bruce is back in town done went all tribal on us, whoopin up some Texas Chilly fo dat tourney dat got won by bunch of cheaters by put chicken in it, mo like chicken soup but dat another story, any ways, congrats to Mike and Martha, Les and Yvonne, pura vida...we started drankin our costume but 8 in da mornin, by 4 clock we primed up, all good bra...

Francisco...El Rey de la Playa!

Well Francisco is a guard that works at an upscale hotel on the beach... and today his life is ruined. Ever day he see us enter dat hotel with surfboards and one day he say, I man wanna take surf lesson too bra! He stand bout 5 feet tall, bout 2 feet wide, smilin from ear to ear, so I says sure bra, we goin surf manana, hook him up on first wave he stand up like da king of da beach, ride it like a champ, dude is stoked, now he jus wanna quit his job, tink about panocha, dranks beers and surf, not necessary in dat order...good luck Francisco with your new fucked up life...

Chilli Cook-Off Warning...

Well if ya wanna jus get yo ass whoopin in a good ole fashion chilli cook-off, den brangs yo team on out to Vagos on Saturday fo dat first annuals Esterillos Oeste Chilli Spill, Soda Mary Surf Team is brangin in all da guns firin...jus remember, if you aint cheatin, you aint tryin...stay your ass on da porch...

Todd wins skim board Tourney...1st annual SMST Invitational

Well dat rain she starts comin down in large numbers, next ting we gots a big wall o watta shootin true Soda Mary look like da god dang Shlitta Bomb, so me an John grabs a broom, fuckin Todd grabs a skim board start shootin thru Soda Mary skatin round, we gets tired pushin water fo but 30 minutes, grab an icey cold and keeps workin, John starts singin ole slave song bout aint gots time fo drankin cuz master gottim workin...Pura Vida!

Double Surf Sessions...

Well today we run out to da baby girl reef and she lit up on fire look like Lestor Earl's birthday cake, so we tries a few excellent waves, fucking perfection in a bottle, then Lestor goes in (by the way he went in yesterday cuz his pussy bleedin too much, tractin sharks, but datta nother story), so we kill it for 3 hours til no mo gas in da tank, I makes it back to tha ghetto get some watta and some chocolate, rest boutta hour while the high tide says hello and goodbye, then paddle back out to perfection, take off on a perfect wave in front of da prison and by god hit a top turn and land on some stupid sombitch, lucky he's not dead wtih my new fin, any way good double surf session today bout 4 hours wave time...

The "Talker"...

Well today we paddles out, jus me and pat an the new an improved Cornelius, aka, Lestor Earl, we paddles into some perfection on da Baby Reef, Pat take da first wave, spin and go, good wave, now me an Lestor both take perfect waves, den some ting change, some sombitch paddle out, ole boy say, where you from? how long you here? well he jus a big talker, I say hey bra big set commin, I paddle away to catch dat set, but Les who is also a big Talker got caught up and sweep out with the tide, did not get a wave for a while...be careful fo da people dat wanna jus talk bra...

Outdoor Showers, God bless em...

Well thank goodness to outdoor showers, God bless em cus day sho comes in handy last night, I is walkin home from a drank fest when some ting grab hold my duo denim and say hey bra, you got some bidness to do with da pool, Obamas kids day waitin. I say oh shit man, gotta wait bouta nunther 50 steps, I can make dat, I starts high steps and skippin and a slow jog, well too late, done shit my pants, oh well, spray dem off wif watta hose, jump in da outdoor showa, god almighty...

Only ting I have fo dinner some chino food, but I aint seen no dogs up in here fo while now...